Easter Monologue!

Huh? Who the fuck is Emo Phillips?

I wish I lived in America, Politicians seem to really care about their constituents. In fact, get this: I heard that Dick Cheney was personally going to hold up every petrol station accused of price gouging.

Easter Time huh? What a great time. Finally, the one time of year those poor chocolate manufacturers can turn a profit. All those brown bunnies and disorientated children, I get flashbacks to the time my sewerage system overflowed and flooded my basement.

No really, I saw Lindsay Lohan on the street corner a minute ago, I think she was taking the term ‘giving away her eggs’ a little too literally.

So this girl says to me the other day, she says ‘I don’t think I could live with myself with a slept with you’, which is ironical, because most girls that slept with me actually weren’t…

Huh?

Oh okay, apparently I’m under council not to finish that sentence.

Anyway, the next day another different girl says that most women wouldn’t be seen alive dating me, which is good, because at the time that most of them are they’re not…

Oh, apparently I can’t finish that one either.

So wow, this Tibet stuff is a whole bagful of trouble eh? Who knew that occupying a country and forcing your belief system on them could have dire consequences?

No, but to be honest I’m not worried, I was talking to my dad, and he reckons it’s just a bunch of Bulldust.

Huh?

Oh, Buddhists. Okay, now it makes sense, so I suppose that dude wasn’t comparing to my blog to Siddhartha

No, but it’s been a historic week for Australia. HMAS Sydney was found hundreds of miles off the coast after a 60 year search. Of course we’ll ignore the fact that it was originally looking for Brendan Nelson’s leadership. HI YO! Get it? Ship?

No but seriously, I’m still waiting to see what will get to 10% first: His opinion polls or Interest Rates

No but really, a couple of weeks ago there was a kafuffle over Mark Vaile’s tax payer funded trips to the Middle East. But apparently it’s okay, he was just looking for a place where the Liberal Party might be able to win an election.

So, a new report claims that Australian women suffer from PMS more than their European contemporaries.

In other news, smoking is bad for you. Am I right men?!

No but seriously, apparently Julia Gillard was asked for a comment but she…ah fuck it, you know where this is going right?

So, the numbers are coming out in Paul Mcarthy’s divorce. Apparently Heather Mills got the equivalent of $1500 an hour for her marriage to McCarthy. Wow, I bet Spitzer would kill for those numbers.

She’s denying claims that she threw cold water over Paul’s lawyer, a Ms Fiona Shackelton. Funnily, we could have avoided this whole mess if someone had done to Paul a couple of years back. Hi-YO!

So, the drummer from Abba is dead? I’m not going to make a joke about Rose Gardens, I’m not totally devoid of humanity…

He is though.

Fuck I hate myself.

Sorry, and happy easter.