Oh Dear God, Is this moron doing one of these every week?

So I’m talking to this girl, and she casually mentions on she enjoys watching The Office. So I say ‘Yeah, I love it too, hell, I jerked off of to Jenna Fischer the other night.’

Wow, talk about awkward. Turns out she was talking about the British one...

No, look, I know that I say creepy and weird stuff a lot of the time, but I really am a nice guy. I often hear girls saying that I’m ‘nice’ and ‘non threatening’. At least, I think they’re saying those things, I don’t know, sometime the wire tap has a lot of static over it.

Turns out that Barack Obama is a distant relative of Brad Pitt. Now, I don’t mean to sound mean, but that makes me hope that he loses the election. I mean, how unfair would it be to have the US President and the dude banging Angelina Joile in the one family?

It’s bullshit I tells ya.

So, new research shows that the obese are three times as likely to develop dementia. So dunno, I guess that goes that a little way to explaining Rosie O’Donnell….

So, a lesbian was killed up in the Northwest over the weekend in a hit and run. Police initially suspected it was an assassination , but then they realized that it wasn’t David Boon that was killed.

No, but sad news, a bouncer was shot by a disgruntled customer outside a Sydney strip. Eh, it’s not what I’d picture when I hear the term ‘Shooting my load at a Strip Club’, but whatever right?

No but really, I guess that’s the last time that Elliott Spitzer invites Dick Cheney for a night out. *Swish* COUNT IT!

Seriously, the big story coming out of Canberra is the possibility of new restrictions on alcohol, but already politicians are already coming out in opposition of it. Even deputy Prime Minister Julia Gillard has come out against it, saying it’s the only way she’ll be ever be able to consolidate power on Saturday nights, if you catch my drift.

In other political news, Kevin Rudd be visiting China, and I’m telling you, I hope that he speaks to the Chinese Minister about the Tibet situation. Now Monks are saying that that the Chinese government has lied about the situation in Tibet. And I’m thinking what? A dishonest Communist? Surely not?

Speaking of traveling, but a Nigerian was arrested after getting of an airplane with a kilogram of Heroin in his stomach, which if my math is correct, is commendable, as he’s carrying the equivalent of half his bodyweight around with him.

Speaking of Africa, Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe recently expressed confidence in his chances in the upcoming election, despite rally numbers being in the oppositions’ favour.

Mugabe sights his popularity in early torture confessional polls as proof that he’s going to win.

Speaking of poor segues, today the Mercury had the frontpage article ‘What’s Wrong with Tassie’, which is odd, as generally the letters section is somewhere in the middle.

No, but the people surveyed said that the quality of food was poorer than the rest of Australia. I’ll tell you, when I heard I damn near stopped picking the maggots out of my breakfast and threw the paper away.

No, but Hilary Clinton has been in the news for overemphasizing the danger that she was under when she visited Bosnia as the First Lady. She said that she entered a dangerous area to a hostile reception, and that advancement was next to impossible…No wait, that’s what she said about trying to have sex with Bill.

The whole thing has stained the whole Clinton so much that Hilary was on the phone to Monica Lewinsky to find what dry cleaner she used! HI YO!

No, but really, Can you imagine that? A Clinton lying? I can’t believe that a Clinton could betray the public’s trust like that.