Hey, so how about that Afghanistan....

Eh? I hear that Mortar fire isn't the only thing being laid down there.

No seriously, what do Tanya and Iran have in common? They both have no concept of a No Fly Zone!

Apparently it's coming out now that any soldiers found to have been pursuing a relationship with her will be dishonourably discharged. Hey, if I slept with a broad like that then I'd be looking for an oily discharge as well...

No, but word is coming out now about her doing the same thing during the first Gulf War...only the people she slept with then actually knew what she was famous for.

I hear George Bush heard "Tanya's Bin Laid-On" over the radio and thought there was a new terrorist about in Afghanistan. (okay, so there's a small leap that you'd have to take to make this one work...)

But really. Her? I mean, they were stationed in Afghanistan, not the fucking moon.


I haven't really had any time to look at other news this week. Lots of assignments for my majors at Uni. In fact, the only person whose done more Majors than me this week is Tanya! Hi-YO!


In 100% serious news, congratulations on Death Cab For Cutie getting the No.1 Billboard spot. Totally deserving of it.

Now, that's over. I think we can put the whole issue Tanya to bed. (Or at least a standard issue cot)

Top Ten

Thing heard at Ashlee Simpson's wedding.

10. “Hey, I thought that same sex marriages weren’t legal until next month!”

9. “Is a pre nup still needed if both of the parties are going to be toothless and sucking dick for crack in a decade?"

8. “Hey Pete, look on the bright side, if you divorce then she has to take half the writing credit for Thks Fr The Mrs right?”

7. “Ugh, these crab cakes about as tasteful as Bittersweet World”

6. No number six, writer still pissed at not getting invitation.

5. “Does Pete know that Joe Simpson isn’t inviting him on the honeymoon?”

4. “Wow, Fall Out Boy can’t even play the Wedding March in key!”

3. “Hey Ashlee, you might wanna get over here, Pete’s gotten into your make up case again.”

2. “Whoa, who let a Gorilla be a bridesmaid?”

1. “Oh my wedding day and I feel like such a Princess …And Ashlee looks good as well I guess.”

Four things. One is creepy. But not intentionally

1) Seriously Ten? (haha get it?) What's up with your promos for House? Do you just make up the most batshit theories and then cut the footage to make it comply to your own crazy fan fiction ideas? Okay, I understand that the usual 'House makes quip, misdiagnoses patient , has odd revelation that makes him correctly diagnose patient' may be boring to advertise, but it's better than what you're doing right now.




2) This is going to sound really creepy (and crazy) but today I saw the female version of me. I swear.

The tight but still loose enough to allow unrestricted movement? Check.

Black Cardigan with only the two middle buttons utilised? Check.

Messenger Bag perched on lap in the same slightly awkward manner? Check?

Hair parted slightly to one side to expose face that's awkward yet slightly adorable? Check?

I swear, if I had the chance I would have talked to her, but I'm assuming that the combined lack of self esteem would have caused the world to collapse.



3) Cute female version of me, if you only read one interview this year, then I totally think that it should be this one ( incidentally, this introduction has now made two of the things creepy, and now I think of it, the last one is maybe the creepiest of all):

http://www.avclub.com/content/interview/ben_gibbard_talks_to_mark

It's two great songwriters! And they're talking!

Side note: Best snarky A.V Club poster comment yet.
Q : Why is your music so uninspired and weak?

A: Holy Shit! I was just gonna ask you the same question!




4) Since when did chloroform come in the 'Allows victim to stay conscious enough to allow use of extremities ' flavour?




Yes, that's Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams. Who both rock. Best of luck to them.

Link:http://thesuperficial.com/2008/05/mandy_moore_ryan_adams.php?bfm_index=6&bfm_page=0

Class Dimissed.

As anyone without a life but with an intimate knowledge of Ben Silverman's career path might know, this week is Upfront Week in the grand Ol' Us of A's television land (although, perhaps without knowing what it referred to, Bill Clinton admitted to three more affairs. COUNT IT.). While it's fun to laugh at shows that aren't going to make it (then cry for realising how for they did get), what has me most excited is Class Dismissed- the new Mitchell Hurwitz show.

Along with the Arrested Development mastermind, the show is lucky to have Bill Oakley and Josh Weinstein on board as executive producers. Although they're probably not household names, they're best known as Showrunners for the Simpsons during (in my opinion) their best seasons (Seven and eight, but you already knew that).

Word is that it's also animated, which means that next time this year I'll be able to act high and mighty when it gets canceled and Family Guy (and its spinoffs thrive). There's also the whole Arnett/Bateman/Wrinkler reuniting thing.

Since my searching for a overview of the show was foiled by the internet, I'm going to guess that Class Dismissed may be:

A) A show about a teacher who after 'Dismissing class' as it were, goes on to his unteacherly things. Hilarity ensues when his/her students discover the deep secret that he/she has been hiding.

B) A look at class relations through the eye of a millionaire who -after losing his job and literally falling from grace- breaks every bone in his body. With no health insurance, he has to be treated in the cheapest, dankest hospital in America. On his long road t recovery he learns a few thing about the people who looked down on- and learns that when it comes to loving your fellow man, there is no 'Lower Class'.

C) Two college students with a complete lack of class and social nuance (as evidenced in the title) who live next door to a Nunnery. Watch each week as their wacky hijincks grow more and more insane.
Ray Romano and Brad Garrett and plugged to return to the screen together as the students.




Link where people who actual writing ability comment on happenings: http://www.variety.com/VR1117985450.html

Narrow Stairs

Yes, I’m an asshole. I’m sure you already know that. But since you’re not one of the voices in my head, and thus unaware of what I’m rambling on about today, I probably should enunciate why exactly I’m saying this. See, I downloaded the new Death Cab For Cutie album, and I hate it. Not the CD (which is actually pretty good), but the fact that I listened to it before it was released- especially after I read that it was going to be released on Monday. Am I that impatient that I can’t wait 48 hours to hear Ben Gibbard’s you-just-know-he-wears-glasses warble (which I’m kind of jealous of.)? Will something so dramatic and heartbreaking to happen to me this weekend that I needed a White Bread soundtrack to accompany it ?

To celebrate the release, here are my thoughts on each song. As an added bonus, they’re the same length are their audio counterparts. For example, the first song is 5.18, so my thoughts are 51 words long.

Just think, you’d never have to hear me talk at length again if nobody made songs over one minute long!

Bixby Canyon Bridge

Songs about dead authors are good. So are songs about the futility of trying to find answers. So that makes this some of Gibbard’s most inspired and personal writing yet.

The Apprepiated guitars and a polished sheen, make this is the closest thing to a trademarked Death Cab song that one could find.

I Will Possess Your Heart.

Shit. Ninety six words. Well, what it is with Ben Gibbard? You know, everyone says he’s a pussy, but look at the titles of DCFC’s last two singles: I Will Follow You Into the Dark and I Will Possess Your Heart. Okay, so they’re clingy as a sweaty Clay Aiken wearing a suit of Superglue (take that 2001!), but they’re also dominating. “I Will”. Make no mistake, Mr Gibbard is on some alpha male shit.

Now, I like sensitive cum tough guys initiating Phish anyday of the week. But 9 Minutes? It’s a little too long…

For me. Ha. It’s separate. Take that word count!

No Sunlight.

This is a tangent, but I’ve said (to myself) countless times that the Piano riffs from Darkness On The Edge Of Town made it a masterpiece.

Cath

Songs about fleeting female fame are a dime a dozen (or should that be a dame a dozen. HA!). Not many have had such a catchy riff and a sympathetic and relatable core. Blah.

Talking Bird

I think this song was written about Nile Crane’s bird named Baby. Specifically the episode where he ruins his owner’s dinner party by saying inappropriate things. Ben Gibbard secretly loves Frasier.

Discuss.

You Can Do Better

First bit sounds like a little like the Beach Boys. If the Beach Boys didn’t write about surfboards and fucking girls who were underage. True story, Kokomo is the creepiest song ever.

Grapevine Fires

A song about a US current event? Why wasn’t this on Chris Walla’s solo CD? Of wait, it’s brilliantly written with melodic sensibilities*, that’s why! Highlight so far, but since when has Gibbard dated chicks with kids (Storytelling? Bah!)?

*Seriously, I liked Field Manual. Don’t hurt me Chris!

Your New Twin Sized Bed

You know what I like about Death Cab? The way that they tell their stories. That and their upbeat yet sad brand of pop music is the cheapest way of self medication that exists.

PS: Great guitar line. Love you Chris

Long Division

You know what I don’t like about Death Cab? The fact that this song drive down the line between heartfelt and corny. And it’s been drinking (and it’s driving one handed.).

Pity and Fear

This feels different to everything else on the album. Maybe it’s the drums (African. So hot right now) or the jump-about lyrics.

Side Note: Did it sound like Gibbard was struggling on a couple higher notes throughout the CD? No, oh, it’s just me then. Sorry.

The Ice Is Getting Thinner.

I could give a fuck what Rolling Stone say. This is a sweet analogy that perfectly sums up the subject. It meanders through to the closing of the album with a heart heavy with sentimentality. And that’s what Death Cab is all about.

Now that’s finished I don’t know what to think about Narrow Stairs. It’s a good CD, but it’s not the change that was promised. Think of it as more an evolution by tiny degrees. It’s the pot of water whose temperature is slowly being increased- and we’re not quite aware that Death Cab is cooking us until we wonder what that delicious smell is (also our legs are blistered.). It’s certainly the heaviest record they’re made, and Narrow Stairs is as much a lesson of judicial use of noise for other musicians as it is warmhearted collection of songs with a sentimental streak a mile long.

It’s not an Under The Blacklight or an Evil Urges (Holy shivers. Album of the year right now) That’s not necessarily a problem- Death Cab has always been a band that’s had a dependable (though not quite totally predictable sound.). Most of the songs on Stairs would have fit in perfectly on Chords or Transatlantisicm¸ and ultimately, their mix of reliability and slow burning change makes them a band that creates endearing and beautiful music.

The name itself is perhaps most indicative of what Death Cab achieved with Narrow Stairs. They’re not rushing up the stairs of change, and that’s good, because for every band that make it, there are ten who fall face first into a pile of badly timed revolutions.

Spin.

I’ve never written a love letter to a magazine, so I’m really sure how this is going to turn out. It could be brilliant (like few things I do) or disassemble into a ugly mess of crying and unreciprocated feelings (like most letters that I write).

Whatever I say is irrelevant. This isn’t about me, this is about something else. Something that’s beautiful in it’s own special way. Something that I feel deserves to be talked about.

Since, I’ve now noticed, that I actually stated that I’m writing about a magazine in the first sentence, I’m going to stop trying to be mysterious and just come out with it.

Spin Magazine, I love you. I think you’re awesome, and if I had the time to stick around for breakfast then I totally would. It’s just that I have heaps to do today, I feel really bad though, sorry babes.

Sure, you’re never going to be one of my top tier magazines. Your focus on bands I don’t care about is unparalleled, and you kind of bagged out America and Sister Golden Hair in an article. But I love you. I love how every time I open up the editorial and get the slightest urge to punch the picture of the editor in the bottom right hand corner. I love how you have the balls to cast aside the good but unremarkable Neon Bible for album of the year honours, instead giving it to the slightly less unremarkable New Wave. . I even love the fact that you gave Chris Walla’s CD two stars (I thought it was a solid three)

Your un-geeky and hipster-enough-to-be-cool content means that you’re an acceptable public transport orientated reading material, making me look like slightly less of a loser. Which I admit is odd, as few users of public transport have to worry about such a thing.

I’ll admit, I’ve only been in love with you for about a year. It was the issue where you had Rilo Kiley on the cover. I bought it because:

a) Jenny Lewis

b) The fact I like Fleetwood Mac, and you mentioned Fleetwood Mac on the cover.

c) The fact that I’d like to hear someone that sounds like Fleetwood Mac make some good music (ohhhh!)

d) Jenny Lewis

Before then I had no-one. Now, I still have no-one, but now I have 20 snarky Pop Culture comments each month to keep me company.

Yes, you’re wonderful, but do you know what makes me love you more than any other reason your carefully edited pages could snarkily infer? It’s because you don’t pull bullshit like this.

Okay, first of all, from what I’ve seen on other forms of media: No (You heard me), Shit Yes, Yes, Fuck Yes.

Now, seriously, what the fuck?

I’m not going to get all ‘Music magazine, reputable source, shameless cash in’ because it’s Rolling Stone, and that ship sailed from the dock that Rolling Stone was whoring itself a long time ago. I just wonder what the editorial team was thinking. I mean, really? Really?

I can’t imagine how proud Death Cab are. Four Stars in a magazine that thinks that Ben Gibbard’s pining is as important showing a side view of Heidi Montag’s ass.

Disclamer: Funnily enough, I haven’t read the article, but even if it’s the most facetious fuck you to The Hills and the associated culture, they still put vapid ass girl in Panties on the cover. The damage is done.