Girl Talk and Single Malt in a 100th post triumph!

-One Drink

Ha. I sure showed Girl Talk, I chose “I don’t value sampled music” That’ll teach you to give your product away for free!

2 Drinks.

Hmm. Does listening to a Girl Talk CD make me blacker or whiter?

3 Drinks

Sense of superiority kicks in when I correctly recognize the first bassline as a sample from ‘Gimme Some Lovin’’ not ‘My Sharona’ as seemingly millions of other listeners thought. Feel like boasting to someone, then realize that I have nobody to boast to. Perhaps because I’m someone who would boast about recognizing a Spencer Davis sample.

4 Drinks

Sense of superiority in overdrive. Begin to remark that anybody could make a CD like this and that no creativity is involved. Vow to make own sample based CD.

5 Drinks.

After realizing I can’t make a record like this, begin to make disparaging remarks to self regarding Girl Talk.

Best one:

What’s Girl Talk’s favorite flavor of chips?

Anything but Original!

6 Drinks.

Listening experience is beginning to decrease. Continually referring to samples being ‘That Song’, as I’m unsure what the real song title is.

7 Drinks

Soft sobbing begins to make music hard to hear. Collapse into whimpering heap. Dream about Percy Sledge riding Haley’s Comet through an intersection. Good times.

So today right...

So today I go to the doctors, I been feeling crook you see. The doctor checks me out, and then the examination begins. BOOM TISH!

No, but he tells me that I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

Now, I'm surprised, I so I reply 'AEE?' in annoyance and confusion.

He says "No, I said 'Bowel'."

That's the end. That's the end of the joke. Yeah, that was the punchline. Goodnight.

Friends don't let friends walk around looking like Ollie the Magic Bum.

True story. Today I was thinking, what the hell did I achieve during my holidays? The best I could come up with was this nugget of self improvement: I considered growing a beard after seeing this picture.

I’m going to be honest. I think (provided I could grow it respectably) I could pull a beard off. I’ve been listening to lots of Crosby Stills and Nash, so I think I have the pseudo hippy vibe to make it endearing. I mean, it wouldn’t be so long as to get be beaten by the police, it would just be enough to make people question my personal hygiene ( and give me a mysterious aura and dressed down sensibilities of a movie star.

But then, this was all hypothetical, I never actually got around to growing it. Which is probably good, because buying a Hall and Oates CD is already suspicious enough, it sure as hell doesn’t need some sexually ambiguous beard to accompany it.

Then I got to thinking, growing a real beard doesn’t qualify as doing something. If anything, I’d be doing less than achieving something, because I wouldn’t have to shave, I would just let the hair grow. I’d be taking something out my normal routine. Thus, once the beard had grown, it would technically mean that I achieved something by doing less than I normally do. I imagine that it’s comparable to Paris Hilton being paralyzed and having to live her life in a wheelchair. She’d get more attention, respect and money for doing less than she normally does.

Now, I’m not saying that everyone should compare my personal grooming to Paris Hilton, I’m just saying that it’s something worth considering.

So, now what I’m asking is, why isn’t more of life like this?

Also, what’s up with that Kraft Philadelphia Cheese ad? The one where all the women are in heaven and act like the most stereotypical women imaginable? I don’t have a youtube, but it’s the one that has the blonde girl with the bangs that were sort of cool when you were in eighth grade.

That ad is fucked up. Why are Kraft advertising that such a pretty young girl has been killed? Is that really necessary? I mean, can we please ignore the fact that pretty people die the same as us lowly Clearasil purchasing peasants? One of few things that will give me comfort on my deathbed is that Jenna Fischer will still be the same hot 31 year old that she is today. Also, my hot 31 year old wife will be by my bedside, because I bravely jumped in front of the speeding bullets that were headed towards her. It was quite a leap, as I was in the middle of playing Rhythm guitar with my successful Pop Country band.

Huh? Where was I?

Speaking of delusional, I just saw one for the Puppetry of the Penis theatre show. Now whatever, I don’t have a problem with people going to see that, that’s between them and god. What gets we is, how the fuck did those two guys get this act together? So, I take you to a small pub in Australia.

INT. PUB BAR

Two men, PUPPET DUDE #1 and PUPPET DUDE #2 are seated at the bar. The bartender pours them both a drink. A manly drink. Once the bartender is out of earshot, PUPPETRY DUDE #1 leans over to PUPPETRY DUDE #2

PUPPETRY DUDE #1

Hey. Can I ask you a question.

PUPPETRY DUDE #2

Sure man. We’re casual acquaintances who often talk about current issues, so I would have no problem with you asking me, you’re casual acquaintance, a question.

PUPPETRY DUDE #1

Cool. So, do you ever whip your cock out and make weird shapes with it?

PUPPETRY DUDE #2

YES! Holy shit! You know when I was in the toilet a minute ago? I was making my zinger into the Starship Enterprise.

END

But even then, how does it go to doing the puppetry together? Did they get drunk one night and then one thing led to the other, and the next thing they knew they had their kits off recreating Homer’s Odessey? And even then, when did they decide that people would pay for this sort of thing? How does that work?

Finally, what’s up with the two week Letterman hiatus. They don’t deserve a break damnit! Not because they’re not talented, I just hate going without that lovable old curmudgeon.

Extra finally, I'm looking forward to Generation Kill starting this week. I've read the book, so I'm not expecting any Band of Brothers type emotion, but it still looks great.

Questions I asked myself while watching the new John Mayer: Where the Light is DVD

-Do I really want the internet to know about my love of John Mayer?

-Do I realize that admitting my love of John Mayer is probably one of the least embarrassing things I’ve ever done?

-Will I ever be able to play Neon one tenth as well as this guy does?

-Why am I watching some overwrought white dude sing Tom Petty songs on the television? Don’t I usually do that in the mirror?

-Speaking of which. I wish I could like Mayer’s cover of Freefallin, but something about it isn't quite right.

-Ugh. Waiting on the World to Change. I’m gunna skip this chapter. In a second. In a second. After this chorus. In a second. Damn you John Mayer and your catchy melodies.

-Can I pay two dudes to back me up while I play indulgent solos?

-Speaking of which, what’s with John's stage ignorance of Pino Palladino? Is there beef in the trio?

The loneliest man on stage. Look at that poor face!

-Is it concerning that I’ve seen John Mayer’s orgasm face more time that Jennifer Aniston. Speaking of which, AWKWARD.

-Don’t worry though John. I’ve done some revisionist photoshopping:

-You know, the only way I think John Mayer could be anymore white was if he was accompanied everywhere by a small dog, a la Paris Hilton.

-Oh…

-Not so much a question, but judging by the self-righteousness of his audience banter, I think it’s clear where Mr Mayer thinks the light is. ZING.

-OMG. John Mayer uses his finger on the Low E! What a hack!

-Why aren’t I John Mayer? Damnit, life isn’t fair.

Monologue!

Wow, so it sure is winter down in Tasmania huh?

You know it’s cold when the weather is more frigid than me.

I’m telling ya, you know it’s cold when I’m wear a balaclava and it’s not because of my hideous face.

It was so cold that my shaking wasn’t due to crippling anxiety.

Yeah, you’d better believe it’s cold. If Rosie O’Donnell was here she’d have as many layers as she does necks!

No, I’m telling’ ya, I’ve seen more snow this week than Stevie Nicks and Lindsay Lohan combined.

This cold weather, it makes you think of going on holiday. It reminds me of the time I went overseas. Lot of people there.

I’m telling ya, there were so many foreign bodies that I thought I was drug smuggler. HI-YO!

Today Kevin Rudd announced 150 million dollars would be put towards organ transplants. Ironic, considering that Ex-prime minister John Howard is first on the list for a heart!

A University of Tasmania Arts student has been jailed for sleeping with one fourteen year old girl and sending lewd text messages to two others. He’ll also have his name on the sex offenders list for the rest of life. On the bright side, he won’t have to have his name on an arts degree.

Oh, a new Japanese company is offering lovers the chance to be married in space. Interestingly, the aircraft does not have landing capabilities, so after exchanging vowels the newlyweds can come crashing down to earth!

It slightly disturbing news, it’s been announced by Julie Bamford that she exchanged marital vows with Peter Brock after he had died.
Weird, I guess it worked for Guy Ritchie! ZING!

I never knew that kind of stuff was official, but now I guess it means that I’m a polygamist.

Of course, I imagine she’s following the lead of O.J Simpson, who believed it was best for one party to be dead when starting divorce proceedings.

So, Shappelle Corby has released into depression again. Like most women, it came around 48 hours after leaving a beauty salon.

So wow, critics are raving about Heath Ledger’s performance in the new Batman film huh? Critics have described his character as having jerky mannerisms and a demented scarred smile concealed by make up. So I’m thinking, how nice, they based the joker on my Grandmother after she’s had a bottle of whiskey.

A man has auctioned his life on eBay for 339,000; meanwhile, mine continues to redefine the term ‘Silent Auction’.

No not really, but I did thought of putting my life for auction on the internet, but then I realized that the internet basically is my life, so it’s probably against the rules.

Nicole Kidman has announced that she intends to hear songs by her husband when she gives birth in a Tennessee hospital. I’m kind of surprised she thinks she’ll be able to hear anything over the farm animals. Thinks she can hear anything after being hit on the head with a frying pan.

So, Tasmanian senator Duncan Kerr has said that the Royal Hospital will be getting a new PET scanner, despite a private company installing one right next door. Kerr did not comment on how exactly the hospital could afford the new machine, nor why he had just rented Oceans 11, 12 and 13.

Federal Treasurer Wayne Swan has said that new Tax Cuts are going to ease the pain on Australian Families…

That dude is sounding more and more like the voice inside my head everyday.

Australia has announced that the government will be cutting off all Australian trades relations with Zimbabwe and Robert Mugabe. Hang on, I thought we were meant to be punishing the guy!

No, but really, I think this will show Mugabe. I mean, how will be able to seize power without access to Australia’s Firearms and deep respect for democracy?

Yesterday Russia announced that Adolf Hitler did not escape to a Secret base in the South Pole after World War II. Well thank god they’ve gotten that out of the way.

In other European news, a French soldier injured seventeen civilians when he used live ammo instead of blanks, which ironically, is the opposite of what happened in the second world war.

No, but seventeen injured? That’s got to be the most successful French military action in two hundred years.

So, a Victorian man is in big trouble for meeting a fifteen year old through World of Warcraft. Hey, can you blame a brother for wanting some PvP action?

No, but poor old Amy Winehouse. Now we’re hearing that she was attacked by a fan during a concert. And I’m thinking, Amy Winehouse makes music now?

Seriously though, luckily she was about to pull a firearm out of her hair before the offender could do too much damage.

Thanks, and see you next week.

The Proposal: 1#

Real life should be more like Numb3rs.

Okay, so ignore the use of l33t speak in the title, it’s not anyone’s fault a television show has a shitty name. It’s expected.

In case you don't know, Numbers is a show about two brothers- an FBI agent and a math prodigy. The math prodigy helps the FBI agent by applying real world math (oxy moron! ZING!) to catch criminals. They are assisted by a number of people with healthy dispositions.

It might not sound like it, but Numbers is the most saccharine show of television. And I like it. Damn it, saccharine me up. I think life should be more like Numbers. The girls/women are attractive, but not unattainably so, everyone lives out their wildest dreams (one dude went from homeless to astronaut in like ten episodes*), and everyone is suspiciously happy. And well adjusted. Nobody ever needs drugs, and if they need therapy it’s for something awesome like being an awesome FBI agent and shooting criminals for stealing the bread of starving children.

Even the foreign spies came back into the circle of Math/FBI badasses, after it being revealed that they were actually spying on China for the US, instead of China for the US (which is kind of a difficult mistake to make…).

The show is the ultimate merging of nerd loserdom and jock masculinity. Charlie would be a loser without his police connections, and Don would be dead without Charlie’s ability to do Maths stuff that probably doesn’t work in real life.

Please, make life more like Numbers.

If you can’t do that, then make life more an episode of Numb3rs. Instead of having to attend History lectures for three (or four should be you particularly lazy) years, just give us the Epps brothers discussing the theory through some obvious analogies. Then let us shoot people.

INT. EPPS FAMILY HOME

Everyone is sitting about looking annoyingly happy. Charlie and his father are eating cookies. The cookies are perfect and delicious. Don walks into the room with the black FBI agent. In Numbers the black character is non threatening and plays chess.

DON

Charlie we need your help. There’s been another attack on a Jewish person. Or a Jew. Is that racist?

EPP’S DAD

(smiling and being annoying supportive)

Wow sounds tricky, I have to go and not grieve over your mother who I never talk about. Then go and talk to that astronaut.

Charlie and Don sit down like good brothers. The black man does not surreptitiously examine goods in the household, because he is an honest FBI agent and not a criminal, which other shows may cast him as.

CHARLIE

Well, think that we could solve your case by contrasting the mitigating factors to the 19^th Century Dreyfus affair in France, a renowned case of anti-Semitism

The whole cast comes in and eats dinner together. They is lots of laughing, and nobody is mentioning the several passes the spy dude made at Don, because this is a happy world.

At this stage I’ll stop, lest you discover

a) I can’t write dialogue

b) I can’t remember anything else about the Dreyfus affair, other then it was anti-Semitic, and even that was a guess.

*May be an exaggeration.

Incestuous homosexual subtext? The writing's on the wall!

What's your poison? Tall dark and dreamy? Or less tall dark and dreamy?

In most cases this jacket would mean mid-life crisis, but such things do not exist in Numb3rs

One of the aforementioned female agents. She ranges from 'Gah' to 'I want to sing Springsteen to her'. The dude was like a fucking Navy Seal sniper, he was also a Chinese spy. Impressive, considering he does not look Chinese.