True story. Today I was thinking, what the hell did I achieve during my holidays? The best I could come up with was this nugget of self improvement: I considered growing a beard after seeing this picture.
I’m going to be honest. I think (provided I could grow it respectably) I could pull a beard off. I’ve been listening to lots of Crosby Stills and Nash, so I think I have the pseudo hippy vibe to make it endearing. I mean, it wouldn’t be so long as to get be beaten by the police, it would just be enough to make people question my personal hygiene ( and give me a mysterious aura and dressed down sensibilities of a movie star.
But then, this was all hypothetical, I never actually got around to growing it. Which is probably good, because buying a Hall and Oates CD is already suspicious enough, it sure as hell doesn’t need some sexually ambiguous beard to accompany it.
Then I got to thinking, growing a real beard doesn’t qualify as doing something. If anything, I’d be doing less than achieving something, because I wouldn’t have to shave, I would just let the hair grow. I’d be taking something out my normal routine. Thus, once the beard had grown, it would technically mean that I achieved something by doing less than I normally do. I imagine that it’s comparable to Paris Hilton being paralyzed and having to live her life in a wheelchair. She’d get more attention, respect and money for doing less than she normally does.
Now, I’m not saying that everyone should compare my personal grooming to Paris Hilton, I’m just saying that it’s something worth considering.
So, now what I’m asking is, why isn’t more of life like this?
Also, what’s up with that Kraft Philadelphia Cheese ad? The one where all the women are in heaven and act like the most stereotypical women imaginable? I don’t have a youtube, but it’s the one that has the blonde girl with the bangs that were sort of cool when you were in eighth grade.
That ad is fucked up. Why are Kraft advertising that such a pretty young girl has been killed? Is that really necessary? I mean, can we please ignore the fact that pretty people die the same as us lowly Clearasil purchasing peasants? One of few things that will give me comfort on my deathbed is that Jenna Fischer will still be the same hot 31 year old that she is today. Also, my hot 31 year old wife will be by my bedside, because I bravely jumped in front of the speeding bullets that were headed towards her. It was quite a leap, as I was in the middle of playing Rhythm guitar with my successful Pop Country band.
Huh? Where was I?
Speaking of delusional, I just saw one for the Puppetry of the Penis theatre show. Now whatever, I don’t have a problem with people going to see that, that’s between them and god. What gets we is, how the fuck did those two guys get this act together? So, I take you to a small pub in
INT. PUB BAR
Two men, PUPPET DUDE #1 and PUPPET DUDE #2 are seated at the bar. The bartender pours them both a drink. A manly drink. Once the bartender is out of earshot, PUPPETRY DUDE #1 leans over to PUPPETRY DUDE #2
PUPPETRY DUDE #1
Hey. Can I ask you a question.
PUPPETRY DUDE #2
Sure man. We’re casual acquaintances who often talk about current issues, so I would have no problem with you asking me, you’re casual acquaintance, a question.
PUPPETRY DUDE #1
Cool. So, do you ever whip your cock out and make weird shapes with it?
PUPPETRY DUDE #2
YES! Holy shit! You know when I was in the toilet a minute ago? I was making my zinger into the Starship Enterprise.
END
But even then, how does it go to doing the puppetry together? Did they get drunk one night and then one thing led to the other, and the next thing they knew they had their kits off recreating Homer’s Odessey? And even then, when did they decide that people would pay for this sort of thing? How does that work?
Finally, what’s up with the two week Letterman hiatus. They don’t deserve a break damnit! Not because they’re not talented, I just hate going without that lovable old curmudgeon.
Extra finally, I'm looking forward to Generation Kill starting this week. I've read the book, so I'm not expecting any Band of Brothers type emotion, but it still looks great.
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