Call of Duty 4 Debriefing.

Note: If anyone is actually reading this, then I ought to warn there are some significant spoilers throughout. So, you know, best to not bother if you want to play Call of Duty 4.



You know, despite assertions to the contrary, I think that that I'm a pretty normal guy. Sure there's the negative disposition and tendency to get emotional over the smallest things, but apart from that I'm pretty much an average guy.
As an average guy, I've had my delusions over not only the role that war plays in society, but the role that people play in a war.

Of course the obvious candidates would be television and video games, as for every anti-war sentiment displayed on a show there are 10 more that show it in a positive light, but that doesn't really cut it. Kids played war games way before television, and indeed war was glamorized in entertainment millennia ago.

I've seen most war movies of notoriety, be them anti-or-pro, and yet the absolute horror of war never dawned on me. Sure, there were was powerful imagery, and I found myself idolizing men who where no older then myself, but I still felt an odd sense of disconnection.
Of course, I still don't have any idea what such an experience would be like, and chances are I never will. There's no doubt that much of this bewilderment comes from the age that we live in. Given just how far the world has progressed since the last significant war, 'tis hard to relate to even the time period.

Firstly there is World War , is something that I try not to even think about. I mean, I've seen All Quiet on The Western Front , that whole four years that were terrifying for everyone involved.

And as much as I love Saving Private Ryan the events happened 60 years ago. There is nothing that I could see that could demonstrate just how terrible Nazism was, or how much the whole incident sucked in general (what an eloquent way of summing up WWII...)

Similarly, from what I'm able to gleam the Vietnam War involved lots of Hendrix, lots of alleged drug use, and lots of alleged cowardice.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I still respect the soldiers who fought in these wars for us more then almost anyone in the world, but it's almost impossible to comprehend how hard war must be today, let alone decades upon decades ago.
But that's enough of the after school special, it's time to talk about Videogames, something I can (sometimes) comprehend.

It's with no lack of irony (given my recent tirade against video games and narrative) that Call of Duty: Modern Warfare is the first media text in some time that really demonstrated the intensity of war. Now obviously, I'm not an idiot (okay so that's not really obvious at all) and I'm quite capable of differentiating a video games to the slaughter of men on an unprecedented scale, but COD at times feels absolutely insane.

Before I get too ahead of myself, the story still isn't great. It fact, from the significant amount that I've played today, it would be fair to say that the story is like Elliott Smith's guitar*. That being said, it's probably more interesting than anything Infinity Ward did previously with World War II, and well, kudos for doing something original.

The more important thing is the way that the story is told, not the story itself
The prime example of this is the semi interactive cutscene directly after the wonderful Cold opening (which seems to be a trend we are seeing more and more often these days.).
Without spoiling anything too drastic, this portion of the game is not only genuinely affecting and moving, but also handles a delicate situation with a poise almost never shown in videogames.
Furthermore, it solidifies the validity of the First Person viewpoint as being something more then a tool to achieve a mean to an end (in most cases mindless shooting). Two other cases stand of my mind as being particularly intense, but that would be saying a little too much.

Without a doubt the best missions of these kind were the C-130 and the SAS sniping mission. Sure, this might be pushing the 'spoiler line' a little too far, but I really feel the need to be talked about, as the former was one of the most most surreal experiences of my life in general, not just video games. The graphics, combined with the cold voicing of the other occupants on the place made this level feel almost too real.

Herein lies the dichotomy of COD. For every level that exudes brilliance, there are two more that aren't so interesting. This isn't to say that they aren't good, as that is almost never the case, it's just that it's the same old Call of Duty. Obviously, there's nothing terribly wrong with the game play mechanics , that it's a disappointment to be thrown for something genuinely moving or surreal to endless terrorist closets and mediocre level design (Hey Infinity War, I'm sure as hell not a nuclear scientist, but Nuclear Fallout doe not the way you think it does).

As such it continues in the tradition of dividing time between different armies, in this case the British SAS and the Marines. Both of their respective mission are easy to differentiate between, something that hasn't always been the case with the series (I mean, Europe just kind of blends together after a while right?) . The SAS ones feel like something like an Andy Mcnab novel set in the early 90's, and have a much more team based feel to them (the first mission in particular feels like it was ripped out of Rainbow Six). Also, extra props to Infinity Ward for capturing the spirit of those wily Brits, especially in the exemplary voice acting.
One the other hand, the Marine missions have a much more contemporary feel (both in terms of time and in COD game play, as they generally feature you being a cog in much larger conflict).






*A Step down from average. ZING!

How to Write like them 101: Esquire: An interview with 'her'.

As she all but skips towards the table, the collective room stops and holds it's breath like the hands of someone they so dearly love. Like a deer stuck in front of some kind of feminine, idolized car they stare as she continues to daintily hoof her way to the table.
She could be Bambi, if Bambi had fucked her way to the top of Hollywood whilst ingesting indignant amounts of every substance known to man. Hell, if you listened to her side of the story, then she is Bambi.


The Double Scotch on her hand tells us a different story. This is a story of desperation. Of hanging on for dear life whilst the beast that is fame tries to buck you off, then continung to try and hang on, even though you fell off somewhere in between *that* appearance on Letterman on *that* appearance on a Toilet stall cam in Reno.

This story is much more interesting, this is the story that you would be hearing if we didn't fill up half our magazine with emasculating pictures of half naked men.

Instead I sit next next to her,as she downs her Scotch in one, perhaps a metaphor between ubiquity of fame and alcohol consumption, it certainly wouldn't be the first time that we've interpreted genius out a seemingly innocent and meaningless act. After all, Didn't Andy Warhol get a cover of our magazine?
Before I have the chance to finish this thought, she speaks, taking me on a journey through the mind scape of a genius.
'Is my Lipstick okay?' She asks, only half interested, as the rest of her being is more focused on the waiter, and the inevitable downer that is disturbingly enough, not yet in her hand.

This meaningless throwaway line alone demonstrates the rampant drug use, miscreant sexual behaviour and disregard for anything involving good taste resemble as if it was taboo to her, and as the drinks continue to be poured, it becomes harder to pour niceties into this article.

This in itself is the perfect example of the genius that occupies the aura of her, as seemingly without even trying she encapsulates everything that we are trying to avoid in this feature in an innocuous period of seconds, strewn together like the collective cast of television shows that she has slept with, thus fucking me out of a bonus.

According to her detractors, This god given ability to fuck people out of things that are valuable to them has been the sole reason that she's acted in the last 5 years. Sitting with her, it's hard to deny that is probably the truth, but today the truth isn't my job.
No, today I have to make an angel out what is ,probably, the devil poured into a red dress (which she spilled out of several times during the interview, once not even bothering to cover up the indiscretion). Why, because the readers of this beloved magazine have no time for slutty girls that are much more at home in the pages of FHM or Maxim.

No, instead the need class, or failing that, the illusion of class. Which is why I'm writing 500 words about her crossing the floor and ordering a drink, because it is impossible to write anything else about her life without using the words 'slut' 'regrettable incident' or any other number of words that are usually used in conjunction with the term 'Third Reich'. And you dear reader, cannot accept that. And that, I think as she walks away, is the most regrettable incident of all.







Annnnnnnnnnd Scene.

Yes, I knew that this is terrible and makes no sense. Half of this is intentional, the other half is not.

Thought Processes that inhabited my brain this week.

Welcome to the first in a long boring series of Pop Culture related matters that inhabited my brain/inhibited my thinking for the week.


Mash Ups:

Imagine if you will, a mash up CD of Death Cab for Cuties’ Plans and Transatlanticism. It’ name? Plansatlanticism.
Don’t act like you’re not jealous, I can tell you are! I made it up! All by myself!



Gradual shifts in Cuteness.

Sunrise. Sunset.

For every ultra cute ex-OC girl appearing on House, there is a Heroes starlet changing from ‘cute’ to ‘You only have one copy of that tape right?’
This second one is not a good thing. Okay, well it’s kind of good.



Burn Out, Fade Away, Etc.

How does Ryan Adams write so many songs? I’ve written one and a half over this week and the resulting stress/depression/acknowledgement of ineptitude is enough to made me want to embed a kitchen knife in my leg.



Oh my god! She’s Mixing!

So this is how rehab feels.

Obviously the writers of my favorite TV shows have seen this blog, and deemed that it was best that I went cold turkey. The result? Me constantly question how I’m going to live the week out without loving the Office/whinging about Prison Break/ Limping and Criticizing everyone like House



They do call me the Human Metronome

Despite it only being mid-November I am already thinking of my Favourite of the Year lists. Strike it down to my OCD being in full effect, but making lists are lots of fun. Right up there with diligent note taking and sitting quietly.

Well, at least he hangs around with that cute almost-emo girl

Despite my previous thoughts, turn out that Summer Heights High wasn’t just a vehicle for Chris Lilley to use to continue his love of cross dressing. Sure, it lost momentum at the end, but in future I shall not be so hasty to hate.






Things that are jokes (Terrible terrible jokes, but jokes)
1
So, did anyone who voted in the Australian election noticed the What Women Want party?

Well, apparently the reason they did so badly was that even they weren't sure what their policies where. AOBF!

2

I've been meaning to watch Grey's Anatomy, as I girl that I used to know used to recommend it to me (unfortunately she never 'used' me if you catch my drift..). I was too lazy to find the DVD's, so I figured I'd read the book instead.
Personally I don't know what the fuss is, I mean, does this thing even have a plot? Barring the full frontal nudity, I'm not sure what why I'm actually reading it.


Things that, unfortunately, are not jokes:

The Terms 'Ruddslide', and even more comically 'Ruddbath'. Really? Why the fuck to news agencies feel the need to compact things. Watergate worked, becasue that's what it actually was.

Tell me, when Watergate actually happened were there any stupid headlines (Nixon 'Nix' documents! Leaking Papers? May You burn in 'Ell's' sir!) No, so why now?

'Rudd Wins Election'.

That's all you need to say.

Ah, simpler times.

Hey Hey! You You! I don’t like your…Weighted Companion Cube?

I was recently asked by a friend why I only write about TV. Well, after reading this I think even he will be able to deduce why I don’t talk about other things. I may be bad at writing about TV shows, but at least you can watch the show and have a vague notion of what the fuck I’m talking about. Here it’s just a vague hodge-podge of Pop Culture references and me pining after fictional women. Good times.

Double Note: For this article, I’ll be assuming that a song is the same as a videogame.

Triple Note: 2.Am. Bad Writing. Unfortunately not well proof read, sorry.

It’s almost a law of videogame commentary that the comment constantly has to be made that videogames are, at least from a narrative viewpoint, are still in wetting the bed stage of life. I’m sure that both detractors and supporters of videogames have a myriad of theories on why this is. Whatever particular side may be arguing whatever insipidly boring point, it’s generally a given that the term ‘art’ will be tossed around like god only knows what*.

Me, I couldn’t care what the jury decides. In fact, generally any discussion on the merits of videogames as art ranks somewhere around the upcoming Australian election in terms of things I devote my thought processes to (you really don’t want to know what exactly I devote my thoughts to, really). However, with one of those events coming up this Saturday, and this year in general being (I feel) an important one for the other, the two produced a duo so powerful that I was unable to resist, and (for a while at least) my ongoing argument (with myself) about why Avril Lavigne is the most overlooked woman in pop today has had to be on hold. Or maybe not

In fact, looking back on it, it’s almost a law of music commentary that Avril Lavigne, at least from a musical viewpoint, is still the ‘not quite writing her own songs phase’. However, in this discussion her detractors are too busy posting on the A.V Club, and her supporters are too stupid/busy/uninterested to comment. However, if this discussion was to take place, you can bet Emmys to Oscars that the world ‘artist’ would get thrown around like god knows what.

Just as the cultural sphere has hesitated to call videogames ‘art’ we have seen the same negativity at the thought of call Avril Lavigne an ‘artist’

In fact now that I think of it, 2007 has been an important year for I way view both Avril Lavigne and videogames **. Sure, this may nothing but me trying to thinly bead together two totally unrelated things because I’m totally out of ideas for other things to write, but bear with me for a minute***.

For the record, I’m truly not sure about videogames being art, and yes, I do consider Avril Lavigne to be an artist. This isn’t to say that I like Avril Lavigne’s music, or that I don’t like videogames (I do like them, way, way too much), it’s just the way I see it.

Now, as I alluded to earlier (in fact less than 100 words earlier) there where two videogames that made me (temporarily) rethink my position on their categorization of ‘not art’, and there two songs that solidified my belief that Avril Lavigne is a perfectly legitimate artist.

Furthermore, to me at least, there are some pretty significant parallels between the two (seemingly unrelated!) topics. Just like Kiss Kiss Bang Bang!

Firstly, I want to talk about The Darkness, a game that for me was one of the best experiences (at least from a narrative standpoint) of the year. Even though I’m generally a smartass (who isn’t funny) I’d much rather see something done seriously, and I feel that The Darkness had a mature plotline that was not only done…maturely, but was also damn well written.

I’m sure I’m not introducing a new of thinking when I suggest that the Darkness is in many ways reminiscent of Max Payne. Not only in the fact that both of them had a Film-Noir like narrative, but in fact that both of them actually any semblance of narrative and story direction at all.True, only the Darkness featured a look-a-like of Conor Oberst, but you get the thinking right?

Not only were their depictions of New York disturbing, they were also beautiful (in a weird sort of way), and the less said about their ‘Hell’ levels the better, lest I dive under my bed covers (both of them being good ideas with bad gameplay.)

Seriously, in the Darkness those levels were disturbing, as was the incident at the very end where the Darkness took control of you, and you got to witness some pretty horrific stuff.

In fact, the game was horrific in general, but was the kind of horrific that envelops and engrosses you. It held its serious tone throughout and never tried to cheapen the story. It never copped out, and the ending in particular was wonderfully melancholy (especially in an industry where the term is as foreign as ‘legitimate female character’)

As you can probably guess by now, I haven’t been as smitten with a fictional thing since watching Olivia Wilde’s character on House tonight (around two hours ago). The Darkness included everything that I think a great game should have. Whilst it was no means perfect, it at least set a precedent for how story in games should be told. Whilst it probably won’t be noticed (Space Marines sell copies bitches!), I think it should set an example of how narrative in games can succeed in 2007. In fact, it’s the best way of story telling in videogames that I have witnessed in a long time, perhaps ever.

Now here’s where the leap of faith starts, as the same thing could be said about Avril Lavigne’s song When You’re Gone, as I think it represents the best chance that Avril Lavigne to grow up, because let’s face it, before this has career has had more semblance to a knock knock joke than a real music career. Without a doubt, this career shift is just as micromanaged as all her other ‘evolutions’, but this time her identity restructuring is not so obvious as before, and it’s create her best music (which isn’t saying that much)

Permit me to demonstrate:

Three years, when you thought of Avril Lavigne she was immensely popular, but pigeonholed a performer. If you weren’t 15, female, and felt as displaced Kwanza on Christmas then you probably weren’t much of a fan, or even aware of her music.

Flash forward to 2007, and she’s in that ‘almost credible as a legitimate pop artist’ category, which technically speaking is a step up from countless Idol losers, but a step down from Adam Levine’s Bare chest and Pete Wentz’s eyeliner*****. When You’re Gone presents Avril Lavigne’s best change in half of forever to be come a legitimate artist. Sure, she’s never going to release an XO or an Under the Black light, but she does have the opportunity to a respectable pop musician (at least in the same way that ‘terrorists’ are considered ‘freedom fighters’). In short, it actually feels like she is actually in charge of her career, not some mindless execu-bot. Hmm, people in total charge of creative development? Remind you of any game companies? Permit me to continue.

If the Darkness did narrative well for tragedies, then Portal was Spinal Tap to its Fargo. I’m sure that you only need to be lightly interested in games to have heard the countless hilarious (!) Memes floating around the internet to agree that its impact has been pretty profound.

Yep, Portal really took to the zeitgeist of the gaming community by storm in 2007. It was fun, quick dirty, and reminded us what video games should be. Remind you of anything? If Portal was the perfect example of a fun videogame done well, then Girlfriend was the perfect example of a fun pop song done to perfection

Both of them are totally throw away products. Sure Portal was a great game, but it was short, and a perfect exercise in consumerist production (I say that in the most loving way possible, and in everyway acknowledge it’s genius). Same with Girlfriend, it was simple the essence of stupid vapid pop music. But it was stupid, valid pop music done well. In short, both of them were gem’s shining in the cesspools of their collective industries.

Make no mistake, Avril is growing up. If Skater Boy was her Your Body is a Wonderland, then When Your Gone is her Gravity, in effect making her a more masculine version of John Mayer.

One thing I need to make clear is that this is only in my view. There is obviously no way that Portal would legitimatize gaming in the eyes of the mainstream media, but to me it demonstrated an important benchmark in games, because truthfully, barring Lucasarts, who has done comedies well in gaming?******. Similarly, it’s going to be a long time until Avril Lavigne (if ever) is considered legitimate. I’m just saying that this year, in my eyes, some important strides have been made in both videogames and girly pop music.

Also, yes I understand this is the dumbest thing ever written and relies entirely on anecdotal evidence. But really, is there any other kind?

*Funnily enough, the only time you’ll hear the word ‘art’ more is when you ask 100 University graduates what the most pointless degree is.

**Of course, I’m sure John Howard could be thrown into the mix, but this analogy is already complicated enough. Besides, assuming this analogy is true, then he’s throw off my mojo with Avril. Three’s a Crowd don’t cha know?#

***Also, it gives me the opportunity to look at pictures of Avril Lavigne under the guise of ‘research’.

****I’ve never been to NYC, but surely it’s not that bad right?

*****Okay, so not really.

******I include both the current Sam and Max and Tim Schafer in that broad use of ‘Lucasarts.

#Also, assuming this reality is real, Avirl’s husband has died, leaving us to make angsty music together.

Storytime: Mega Heroes Roundup!

I have been rather slack with Heroes recently, but what can I say? TV shows with multiple narratives confuse me, keeping track of those people This isn’t a Springsteen album damnit, I want things simple.

With that admirable philosophy in mind, I am going to talk about the last three episodes, keeping it to a nice 300 word of less each (hopefully):

206: Was it just me, did this feel like a ‘very special’ episode of Heroes? Not only was there the none too subtle Teen Drinking sermonizing, but there was only the whole illegal immigrants crossing over the border issue. Am I reading to much into this, or is Kristen Bell’ s arrival turning Heroes into the Left Wing equivalent of the Simpsons (kidding…).

Okay, so maybe not, but this will be forever be the episode that really kicked the Second Season of Heroes off (as well as taking away Kristen Bell from us so soon). Noah really showed his badass/ever side by violently executing his mentor (is there any other way?), a fact that showed just how determined he is to keep his family safe. Ambiguity has always been a big playing point in Heroes (even Sylar was something of an antihero once upon a time). Whereas other shows drive ambiguity and trust into a shallow, shallow grave, Heroes does it to near perfection. Prison Break take notes: We sometimes don’t know who to trust, but it’s still truly enjoyable, mainly because the trust issues come down to great character driven moments (see Noah’s execution again).

Whilst Noah may be skirting that thin line between Jack Bauer and Charles Starkweather, Sylar is already well into the ‘picking up 14 year old girls’ stage of insanity (to continue the metaphor*) and the show is damn better for it. Having a villain such as Sylar is a real asset to the show, as even though he is about as ambiguous as Zac Efron, he is still likable (unlike Zac Efron).

207: Like I said, the season is starting to get some Kitkzcah (Jewish word for kick) into it, culminating with the best ‘holy shit’ moment in perhaps the history Heroes (or at least this season). Adam/Takezo appearing there was a great twist, and I’m looking forward until the inevitable Adam/Hiro reunion? What exactly do you say to somebody who killed you 400 years ago? Belated reunions aside, I think that Adam is going to be one of the more interesting characters this season, and the company’s betrayal of him adds yet another line to the ever widening web of Company conspiracy. I mean, stuck in a cell for 30 years? That’s gotta boil the bisque in your bones (does that mean anything?)

In broad series news, we can take this episode as confirmation that the virus is going to play the ‘nuclear bomb’ role of season 1. Whilst I’m interested to see how this turns out, as it doesn’t have the same empathy factor as a human bomb, but I’m also a little disappointed. Although first looks count for nothing in Heroes (barring two very obvious cases)

I’m not that enthused about the crew trying to prevent another NYC evacuation. Also, there had better be a damn good explanation for why exactly this strand of virus to immune to sexy doctor Indian blood (kidding!), and it’s not a case of Deus Ex Machinma.

Another development that left me disappointed was the whole ‘dream sequence’ with Matt’s father, which seemed an extremely corny departure for Heroes. Although, credit to the writers, it didn’t last as long as I thought that it would (luckily).

And, the less said about West and Claire the better. That whole thing was painful. Also, couldn’t Hiro have just grabbed Tazeko? Or at least realized that he would be fine in the explosion?

Of course, it would not be fair to end this section without a section without a talk about Elle, a character I’m starting to really like (and not just because of Ms Mars). Not only is she insane (in a wonderfully awesome way) but as she says herself, her powers have messed up her life something bad. The resentment at having some incredible powers is something not often touched in Heroes, and I think this is really unfortunate. Sure, we see people coming to grips with their power, but we hardly ever see full blown resentment and life ruining from them. I dunno, perhaps people are more interested in horrendously bad teenage romance plots.

208:

You know, the whole Adam Monroe storyline was awesome, but I’m actually more interested in what they didn’t show. I mean, where the fuck where the Bennett’s? Or Sylar? After Peter, surely Sylar’s activates during the hiatus would have been the most interesting? Sure, he might have been asleep for the four or so months, but at least fill us in on who was looking after him, and how he survived the season 1 finale.

The lack of these stories is understandable though, giving the sheer volume that the show had to get through in 40 minutes. There is only a limited time, and the newbie Herrara family kind of had to be included, as did Peter descent into amnesia. This brings me to Hawkins family, who as many you know, are the bane of my Heroes viewing. Nothing personal, it’s just that they’re annoying and I wished them a fiery, fiery death. I must say, this episode proved to be the exception to the rule, as I thought it their story was done really well. Not only was it quite a sweet storyline, with D.L trying to be a ‘true’ hero (and succeeding aplomb!) but it drove home the fact that ‘Heroes’ trying to be normal is the most futile fucking exercise in the history of the universe.

However (you knew it was coming) it felt awfully tacked on, and as I said, that’s kind of unforgivable when there’s amazing narratives like Sylar’s. I mean, split the time of the Hawkins and put in some Sylar time!

As I mentioned before, the newbie’s where kind of a given in this episode, but like the Hawkins, I enjoyed their back story much more than I enjoy whole trek across Southern America (which again, has benefited from a beefy infection of Sylar juice**).

Finally there is the Petrelli storyline line, which was done perfectly. So as much as I complain, I also need to give kudos when stories are done properly, and this one wrapped up all the loose ends and tied them into a pretty little bow to wrap around the whole episode. Yeah, I know that’s stupid, but who cares? It’s not as if anyone’s reading this!

*Can you figure I’ve been listening to Nebraska a lot?

**Perhaps the gayest thing I have ever written. Ever. That includes anything that may be stored in hidden folders in my ipod.

The Conundrum of being the Tortoise:

As I’m sure every other Australian who has a passing interest in nerdy happenings would know, Australia is generally pretty behind the ball on everything, television being no exception.
However to the television stations credit, this has changed a little this year, with Seven and Ten ‘fast tracking’ several important shows (oh and Nine with Viva Laughlin or whatever it was) in some sort of begrudging acknowledgment of the fact that people who what Bittorrent is.
Me for this idea works pretty well, although there have been some strange choices made (Californiacation, although surprisingly good, was a weird choice).
Of course with the writers strike looming over television like so much dirty rain the whole fast tracking issue is proving kind of moot, as many of the shows are facing hiatus (or already arrieved).
The way that Australian stations are reacting to this is something (I feel) is worth discussing.

The whole notion piqued my interest when I saw Ten running (very) late night advertisements for Kane (an almost spiritual successor to the Sopranos that looks, well, almost interesting) in the timeslot where in a usually got my fix of misanthropic doctors. Judging from Nine’s treatment of the Sopranos, I can only imagine where Kane would have been relegated to without the strikes, but now it’s being given prime position (undoubtedly being an attractive prospect for Ten because it’s completed it’s initial run of 13 episodes, so no strike worries). Ten are also showing America’s Top Model (no comment) which (I believe…) is also the same one being shown over in states, which leads me (in a roundabout way to my next/first question: Is it going to be worth the trouble of airing shows when they there is no discernable way to continue them? The way I see it, TV stations have three choices:


1: Start the new season of shows and pray that those damn Pinkos stop striking (kidding!). This in my opinion is the best solution because:
a) It gets the new shows out for people to watch, and if the writer’s strike lifts at just the right time then it will play out perfectly.
b) With the hiatus of Heroes/ Prison Break/ other important show it will mean that we will get to see shows earlier, as channels will need something to fill the gap.

This hypothetical is kind of unlikely because:

a) TV channels may want to save shows for when the drought becomes really bad.
b) If they start the a series of new shows, and then the writers strike ends, then they have a fuck ton of shows and nowhere to put them (until much, much later)
c) TV stations are assholes and hate us having new things.





2: TV stations decide to use this time to repeat TV shows that never got their fair chance. Not only would it be cheaper than getting news shows, but it would also be a chance to educate viewers, thing of it as a ‘Best shows you’ve never seen’ kind of thing. ‘
Personally, I think it could be great, even though anyone who’s anyone has the DVD’s.Imagine seeing Veronica Mars/ Arrested Development/ The Office / Deadwood (FUCK YES!) at a respectable timeslot. Hell, they don’t even have to be that obtuse (even though none of them are very obtuse to begin with), just something that never got it’s fair go.

As much as this one sounds good, I figure it even more unlikely because if TV stations are assholes, than people are the waste disposal unit, willing to take anything given to them. Why waste money explaining to people why the US The Office is just as good as the British one when there According to Jim smugly smiling it’s fat ass off? This brings me to my next point:


3: TV Hell/Purgotry. Like Two and a Half Men? No? Well you will after it’s been shoved down your fucking throat every night for a month (I’m not touching that one with a ten foot pole). Yep, at the end of it you’ll be feeling like Lindsay Lohan (okay, so I lied*, I still you love you Lindsay!)
Seriously though, out of the three doors, unrelenting repeats of Border Security/NCIS/ Law and Order whatever seems like the most likely possibility. I mean, have you seen the ratings for Border Security? Either people are dumb, racist, or totally in love with the sound of Grant Bowlers voice.
That being said, Kane has set a precedent, so let’s hope it continues.

Tomorrow: Heroes roundup. Yep, Kristen Bell, Hayden Panetterie all tied up in Milo V’s emo swipe. Kinky.



*After rereading this three times, it only now dawns on me just how dirty it is.

Storytime: The Office 0407: Survivor Man

Although you probably wouldn’t know it from my entries, I think that being concise is a trait to be valued. Whilst other shows (Heroes, I’m looking at you) can take entire episodes (or even seasons!) to convey emotions or themes, the Office needs a minute, or even less, to succinctly convey sweet, sweet emotion. I’m not sure if I’m viewing the Office thought some kind of mind altering device (or substance for that matter), or it’s the perfect convergence of every creative aspect involved in the show, but this damn show makes my heart three times too big. In keeping with the theme of convergence, this was another episode written by Steve Carrell, proving he’s not just a pretty face (to some people)
Survivor man was the perfect example of how well the Office does whatever the hell it does. It held some similarities to last week, at least to the extent that it was Michael out of the Office on another zany premise, but this time the ‘in-Office’ story was far more poignant. To this effect, it felt like a sister-sode (made up word!) to Business School in season three (although not as good), although this time Pam was not the focus.
Jim’s difficulty in keeping everybody happy perfectly summed up the way that we, perhaps inevitably, slide into being what we despise, a point that was perfectly encapsulated in the closing credits exchange between Michael and Jim.
Well, that and the ‘conference room’ moment. Although it was visible a mile away, it was still great (like a morbidly obese person with you favorite type of pizza, just waiting for you to eat it.)
The whole birthday in the office was good (and a move from the more business related tone of this the last few episodes), but I felt that Dwight really thrived for the first time this season. Perhaps it him being introduced into the wilderness, his natural environment, but it was the first time that he really stole the show (anything involving weapons was gold). Perhaps this was related to his new found confidence regarding the Angela situation (was it just me, or did she look like a fox tonight? The good kind, not the Roald Dahl kind) but it was good to see him back to his old self.
In more seasonal developments, I think this episode in particular demonstrated that Jim, as well as Michael are going to be involved in some big paradigm (to quote Ryan the exec) shifting this season. Perhaps it’s just my seething jealousy at taking Pam away (I have still not been shown concrete proof that the Office is not a documentary, and therefore both Pam and the office itself must exist) but I’m starting to turn on Jim. What’s more, it’s feels like the writers want me to turn against him. I mean, I just keep finding myself thinking ‘what a douche bag thing to do’. That being said, it was kind of hard not to feel bad for at the end
Similarly, it feels like there’s more empathy based storylines being given to Michael. With each passing episode he becomes more an idiot and less an asshole (which is the opposite of what I like to call ‘the Michael Bay effect’).

Closing thoughts? This was a great episode (maybe my favorite so far this season), and yes, yet again, I have to mention: Angela was a fox.

Storytime: Prison Break 0308: Bang and Burn

You know, tonight's episode of Prison Break made me ponder the usefulness of Schofield. I mean, if I was the Company, why would I bother go through all the trouble of manhandling Schofield to do my dirty work? Especially when helicopters and generic baddies are far easier to come by than mopey tattooed dudes (assuming you're looking at the right kind of concert). For that matter, why did the Helicopter aided escape attempt fail? I mean, the damn thing just stood there looking like it had been asked to prom by the cutest boy in school. In I could sit in my Armchair General…armchair for a moment; may I suggest that it would have a good idea to get the fuck out of dodge? Maybe worry about Schofield later?
Apart from (the now dormant) writers screwing us out of yet another escape (this one seems much more rational) it was an episode that didn't really give us anything to chew on or (for myself) complain about. As I discussed (at excessive) length last week Prison Break seems increasingly intent on diluting it's original formula with plot points up the wazoo. The first (and event the second) season relied on tension, but it was a kind of corny tension, the objectives and characters where nearly always predictable, but that was the reason that it was so enjoyable.
Maybe it's my control issues running rampant again, but I feel like this tension has been traded in for a kind of cheap twist that makes the show not only worse, but also perversely predictable (but in a bad way this time).

But enough harping on, it's perhaps time to actually talk about Bake and Burn (or is that my mother's cooking? ZING!), which was an okay episode, at least in the context of this season.
The whole 'hidden tunnel' was at the same time a feasible development and an example of dues ex machinma. As I suggested last week, Lechero's knowledge of the Prison hierarchy and layout would be a beneficial addition. I say this not only towards to the actual escape plan, but also to the show in general. It was interesting seeing Lechero in this episode being torn between his duties inside the prison and the suddenly clear realization that he may be able to get out of there of there one his back his new found white boy. It was also nice to have a new Sona-confined antagonist, considering that the writers seem to be avoiding T-Bag and Bellick like they're, well, T-Bag and Bellick.
I understand the shunning stance on Bellick, but why T-Bag? His rise up the Sona drug ladder would at least be more interesting then seeing Schofield and Whistler dutifully cling to a rope one to waste time.
Whistler turned out to the surprise during this episode, even though he never made a move on Schofield (no, not that kind of move) the fact that he had a little plan of his own is going to make things very different between the pair (ooh, what about a split and an Amazing Race type competition to get out of Sona First).
This is of course assuming that Schofield ever comes back to Sona, although I get the feeling that his hiatus is going to be short lived. After all, wasn't it about this time in season one that he went into Solitary (okay, so maybe a bit later), but it seems like a temporary way of getting Schofield out of Sona.
On the other hand, Mahone is someone whom I'd be very surprised to see back in Sona. his inquiry (is that the right word?) going badly I think we've seen the last of him inside the Prison Walls. It just feels like the whole drug addict storyline has reached its apex, and seeing anymore would be kind of tedious.
Meanwhile in the outside world, Linc and Sucre are up to something. Something that could turn out to be rather interesting, although I have no idea what it is (am I really stupid or has that not been explained yet?). Speaking of speaking, and having no idea, did the whole litany of telephone calls seem horribly convoluted? Also, call me a sexist, but the women where downright boring this episode.


Despite all my objections, I'm still going to watch Prison Break (although not until January now). Firstly because I'm an idiot, and secondly because I need to see how it ends, no matter how disenfranchised I become. I've never been able to turn my back on a TV show, and it's not going to start now. I'm like a bear, I mate for life baby*.





*I have no idea if bears actually make for life, but I assume they would. If a spouse bear committed adultery then the other bear could kick it's ass. Would you want to be on the receiving end of those claws? No, I didn't think so.

Gossip Girl Rant Chapter 1: Wherein out hero admits things that he is sure to regret later.

Tonight I would like to stray from my usual remarks about points in television episodes that nobody cares about. Instead, I will talk about a television show that nobody who checked the ‘Hetro’ box seems to talk about. Except, of course, myself, and the jury may even still be about on that, according to my latest horoscope.

Gossip Girl, at least for my money, is the best new show of the season (sorry, Reaper, it pains me to say it.). Initially it was because Leighton Meester is perhaps the cutest thing on TV (again, I am not using the prefix perhaps in some kind of smartass sarcastic manner, I am using it to cover myself*), but it’s certainly started to come into its own.

Perhaps the primary reason for this is that I have stopped comparing both the general premise and the characters themselves to the O.C, something which is central to enjoying it.

Sure, there are some similarities (Does Serena’s mum look like Kirsten or do I have middle aged blonde woman glaucoma?) but I probably wouldn’t have even known they had similar creative teams had I not been told. Perhaps the biggest difference lies in what I feel is going to be the ultimate appeal of Gossip Girl. The O.C was (at least for one and a half years) a cultural zeitgeist for young people. Gossip Girl is probably never going to come to this (in fact I get the feeling it’s going to be one of those ‘I wish it had lasted’ TV shows)

Not only did it include (be it in stereotypical form or not) most subcultures relevant at the time, but it had morals, but never veered into being ‘Very Special’ (I of course neglect to mention the Pot plotline, as nothing after the Senior Prom episode exists to me**).

Gossip Girl on the other, seems to bathe in excess, and (you are now rapidly approaching the dumbest thing I’ve ever written!) almost seems to have an element of Film Noir in the way that there are no good characters. It contains two types of characters: people who you know are assholes, and people who are probably assholes (the exception is Dan’s dad, who is rapidly becoming my new idol.)

Far be it from me to say it, but maybe this an example of (particularly youth ‘dramedy’)television moving towards darker themes. All of the characters have poor parental relationships and fucked up badly at least one in the seven episodes (or just beforehand). Is it just me, or just this somehow make for relatable characters (despite the class divide) or it just my misanthropy at work again?

In a more personal sense, Blair is absolutely my favourite character, and not only because she should be sewn on to the front on every cardigan (cute? Button? Hello? Is this thing on?), but also because she is bat-shit fucking insane. A close second is her (not so cute) usual partner in crime Chuck Bass, but is the perfect personification of everythin that Gossip Girl is trying too…well…personify… Also, in a strange twist I don’t find myself hating any of the characters, although Dan’s stupidity sometimes makes me question his sanity (which in turn makes me question my own, as I am questioning the sanity of a fictional character).

The darkness is also evident in the settings of both Gossip Girl and the O.C (In case the name didn’t tip you off) Orange Country suited the decidedly more gentle and less and intimidating plotlines of the O.C. People were assholes, but they were generally good assholes, and was a pretty happy place. You knew who your enemies where, be them crazy Surf Nazis or crazy Cute blondes who like Bright Eyes.

New York on the other hand is totally fucked, and it seems you can’t turn a corner without somebody doing their best Don Henley impression (and I don’t mean singing ‘The Boys of Summer’).

Meta-narrative is turning out to be to the biggest talking point for people (such as myself) with too much time on their hands. In the O.C Ryan almost acted as a guide to the viewer, both of them being thrown headfirst into the cultural excesses of Orange County (don’t call it that…).Through him The O.C was always skeptical of both popularity and excess, and yet Gossip Girl positively idolizes and encourages them.

This is true to a degree with Dan (or maybe the unnamed narrator) in Gossip Girl, but positively comparing the two any further would be an exercise in futility (and I can tell you a thing or two about that) The O.C was always skeptical of both popularity and excess, and yet Gossip Girl positively idolizes and encourages them.

Yes, after reading this again I am aware that I have done almost nothing but compared Gossip Girl to the O.C, evem whilst I said that I wouldn’t do it anymore. But just like telling your favourite celebrity to shut the fuck up, I am doing it out love, not hate. I still feel that it’s being grouped with the O.C way too (check out the latest A.V Club T.V entry for proof, although the review is other wise great), but whatever right?

I also know that I haven’t so much talked about Gossip Girl as I have utter crap.

*Coincidently, this sarcastic use of words like ‘perhaps’ and ‘slightly’ is one of the most annoying literary abominations ever, along with combining ‘man’ and ‘Activity or Product X’ to come up with a delightfully witty pun. Example ‘Manernoon’ (yes, that word actually exists), What the fuck does that even mean, and why is it needed? Rest assured, this will be discussed in more, agonizing detail later.

**Except Rachael Bilson, who could murder everyone I loved and I’d still probably help her dispose of the bodies. Well, I’d at least move them, but I sure as hell ain’t digging a grave, too much work.

Prison Break Double Episode Angst Extravaganza!

You know what? This is probably going to be the most emasculated analogy ever, but sometimes I feel like I’m Prison Break’s bitch (not in the more apt Prison sense, in the significant woman sense). See I feel like I have to stick by it, even when it flirts with other women (in this case the woman is a morbidly obese woman called ‘Stupidity’).

But damn it, I’ve had enough (of both the sham marriage and this terrible metaphor...), I’m this damn close to tearing up the Pre-Nup and divorcing Prison Breaks freckled ass.

At this stage it may be perfectly valid to ask just what exactly is going on. As I discussed (with myself…) last week, I felt that Prison Break really needed to live up to its name, lest it became another lie in the guise of a title like Naked Lunch (thanks Simpsons)

. Instead I saw what I felt was 10 minutes of excitement and 70 minutes of contrived and just downright shitty television. I know that’s a pretty big call, and some of it may indeed be based on my preconceived notions of what I thought it should be, but I also think that some was just plain bad.

As you surely know, I really hoped for an escape tonight, and as I said before, the 10 minutes where it appeared like they would escape were really good. Hell, even the episode preceding it wasn’t bad, it’s just everything after that really sucked (insert your own ‘Hey, like after a Honeymoon with attractive yet stupid celebrity’ joke in here. Then smack yourself for being so unoriginal)

The major problem (at least to my admittedly untalented eye) is that Season Three is turning out to be Season 1 lite. And damnit this isn’t ‘Light My Fire’*, you can’t put some Latin overtones to the same old thing and expect us to thank you for it. And yet, Prison Break does this is to us.

Oh look! A token Black dude has joined Schofield’s growing escape entourage. Where have I seen that before? Same with the botched escape attempt. What is is? A maudlin postmodern attempt at self parody (can you notice I just did my Media exam?)? If so, I am not laughing.

In fact I can’t but feel that they are dragging out the plot for too long (again!).

The inclusion of Lechero into the plan is, despite my objections, going to be interesting. Although he’s no longer head of Sona, he still has great knowledge of Sona, something previously lacking among the wannabe escapees. Of course, it’s only a matter of time until he let’s something slip to his serpent T-Bag. From then on I’ll be counting the seconds until Bellick is implicated in the escape plan, especially following his disingenuous tirade about ‘bad people’ towards the end of the show. Poor and out of place character development designed to garner viewer sympathy, or a terrifying glimpse of a Bellick who knits and listens to John Mayer? You be the judge!

I think one of the problems with Prison Break is that the notion of someone ‘not being who they seem’ is entrenched into the shows culture. It not only makes the plot worse, but if anything, it makes the plot more predictable, as viewers become more conditioned to make nothing on face value. You know what would be awesome? If just one character who was introduced was 100% kosher. Not only would it be a surprise to the viewer but it would also steer Prison Break away from a destination renowned for it’s aquatic life. **

The best example to in this episode was the ‘revelation’ that Whistler was not who he seemed, and is (to some degree) in cahoots with crazy bitch whose name escapes me. As stupid as this may be, it at least gives a rational explanation to why Schofield is being given more time to get him out.

The sole exception to the ‘trust nobody’ mantra was the Mahone story which I thought was great, and in which the question of who exactly the viewer should trust was handled perfectly. Mahone’s deeply suspicious drug addled mind is the perfect conduit for a Prison Break viewer, as both of them are highly skeptical of whatever’s going on**. Again, wouldn’t it be nice if the whole plea bargain was legitimate and there were no shady dealings at hand? It was also nice that the whole ‘Sara is dead’ issue resolved, and with considerably less fanfare then I think everybody anticipated.

Also, not to be ‘that guy’ who points out totally fucking stupid plot points, how did Sucre manage to maneuver himself to stop the van? Was he driving a fucking DeLorean or something?

*No disrespect to Jose Feliciano, who is a god. The Doors, eh, not so much.

** Yes, that was a Prison mixed with a boat metaphor. Kind of like if that Oil Rig Prison from Face/Off could move. Coincidently, when the fuck was the last time somebody mentioned Face/Off without the sentence ended with ‘really fucking blew’? Do I win some kind of prize?

***No, I am not implying that the average Prison Break viewer is a drug user, only that they have the IQ of a drug user

Storytime: The Office 0406: Branch Wars

Today on my daily commute (which has an effect that I can only assume is similar to being dropped into Two and a Men, as it’s a full half hour of equal mixes banality and sleaziness ). I eventually (as usual) wound up thinking about things that shouldn’t be talked about…Ever. QOM (how cute!) however, actually serves as some kind of reverse Pandora’s box, as all the terribly boring things in my head are released, free to wave their ugly, bulbous eyed heads in the air. Ain’t the internet a beautiful thing?

Today in particular, the ugly head in question belonged to Arrested Development, and \ whilst it was the best thing ever (don’t argue with me, I have statistics and message board threads a mile lone) it had the depth of a Spears/Federline gene pool. Oh course there was the general overarching theme of family, but the show never felt like a COLDS commercial, which of course is a good thing.

This brings me to my ultimate point, in a round about, Bogus Journey kind of way (yes, I consider this blog the literary equivalent of hell.): Branch Wars actually felt like an episode of Arrested Development, the absolutely zany scheme of Michael (GOB), and Jim (Michael) begrudgingly having to follow suit to ensure nothing retard...(bad choice of word..) happens. Molotov Cocktails? Really?

The return of Karen (which I believed was a one off, am I mistaken?) wasn’t so much underwhelming, as I never found her to be that funny, or interesting, or even developed. I dunno, maybe that was intentional, and she was never meant to be seen by the viewer as anything more than a rebound for Jim during season three. I mean, there’s a pretty big discrepancy between the development of Andy and the development of Karen throughout season three.

As I said, Karen is still a character that I’m utterly apathetic to, barring for the exchange with Jim at the end. It’s too easy to forget that she was damn hurt when Jim broke up with her, and seeing her get her pound of flesh (and Jim unbelievably uncomfortable at the situation) was kind of satisfying. I say that now only from a narrative point of view, but also just because it was a good thing to see someone get what’s coming to them.

The other major introduction tonight was of course ‘The Finer Things Club’, which is perhaps best referred to as the Pitchfork (at least in terms of elitism) in the zeitgeist of the general Perez Hilton talk that creeps from the inhabitants of the Office. The highlight for myself was seeing some more of Toby, especially initially thinking that he was only involved because of Pam.

Branch Wars was surely a departure from the season thus far, which has sometimes verged an amount of mopiness generally unheard of outside of a Bright Eyes album (or unseen on nothing bar Conor Orberst’s fringe*). That’s okay though, every song doesn’t have to include metaphors about suicide, just like every episode of the Office doesn’t need continual forlorn looks into the camera. Just give us sensies (The only time I will ever refer to Scrubs, I swear to god) a nice mix, because this episode was not only the funniest, but perhaps my favorite episode this season. Seriously, does Joss Whedon have a gift for picking the good ones or what?

Also, how have I written all this without the mention of Jenna Fischer in a beret? Tres Cute!

*Sorry if I raped the spelling, you know who I mean.

No Number Three, Writer too busy wasting time.

As I alluded (or perhaps directly threatened…) to last night, I would be most unhappy if I didn’t get Season 3 of Veronica Mars delivered to me today. As in ‘Why are people selling stolen memorabilia?’ angry (is that reference old yet?) Luckily, my skin pigment can stay just the same, as it has indeed arrived, and there are even pictures to prove it!

When I opened up the packaging there was this. See, it’s like a gate, with Ms Mars on the left and Mr Mars on the other side, with previously mentioned gate being in between them. Both of them have their arms crossed, perhaps some sort of secret PI detective thing? At this stage this is unclear, but the gate is like a metaphor (for a gate), giving you access to all the disc.

Speaking of discs, there are six of them. Veronica’s picture was on the first, and the fellow named Piz is on the second.

Before you ask, the left-hand poster is one for Sufjan Stevens, and the right is an Elliot Smith one. The Bed is also nautically themed, as nowhere near me sells bed sheets with Vinnie Van Loe on them. If they did I would totally buy them.

Here is a picture that came out very badly. As you can (barely) see Weevil and is on the screen, it’s like I’m just there watching it. Maybe you were walking in, and I would look around and say ‘Oh, Hello. I didn’t hear you come in.’ You know, like I was Mark Twain off of Letterman

Also visible are Arrested Development season two, and other Non-Veronica Mars associated miscellanea.

Here is another picture with the same thing happening. Weevil is much fatter now, perhaps of that fattening Prison cuisine. He may or may not be bad, it is too early to tell. In this picture it looks like he is trying to kiss someone, but that is not actually the case.

And yes, they are subtitles. I like them. They are like sounds, but for the eyes.

That's all for today.